Once Upon a Time...

Where do I even begin? 
How do I retell a story that has been told time and time again?


Venus likes Saturn. 
Saturn likes Venus. 
Venus has friend. 
Mercury.
Mercury also likes Saturn. 
Mercury is all powerful. 
Mercury gets Saturn. 
Venus gets sad. 


But there is so much more to it. 


What about the part when Venus though that Saturn was really something special? Different from all the other planets and brighter than all the stars in the sky.  


What happened was... Mercury did not take Venus' feeling seriously.


And what about the part when Venus gets all of her guts in order to confront the situation and ask both Mercury and Saturn if there was something... but both say nothing? 


What happened was... Mercury and Saturn did get together... the very next day.


But what about the part where Mercury feels bad about lying to Venus' face and tells her that her worst fears are true. That there is in fact something between Saturn and she. And that she never meant to hurt Venus?


What happen was... Oh... that's right! That shit NEVER happened. 


Well... maybe it did. But only after Venus found out because Saturn could not handle the guilt. And after Venus calls Mercury in hysterics. Pleading for answers. Only to be met with total denial of any wrong doing. To be later followed by some weak ass text message about "Assumptions" all around.  But there were no assumptions. Venus was always 100% clear. Mercury just honestly didn't give a fuck. And all because Mercury has this warped sense of entitlement and self created competition. 


She had to win. SHE HAD TO!!!


But Mercury was right.
She absolutely did see Saturn first. 


(Yet, you and I both know that this story has little to do with the Saturn)


He was only a pawn in the game that Queen Mercury plays so well. Her thought are so meticulous. Each move extremely calculated. It's no surprise that in the end she leaves all other players broken hearted and wilting by side lines. Because they were all disposable. Who cares if hearts are broken if she has to prove the point that MERCURY IS A WINNER? 


Well... She did win. Congratulations.


I'm sure she finds her peace in that. Because nothing is greater than her own abilities. She is the controller of her own destiny. So of course she had to win. And She always knew she would. She will always be the closest to the Sun. And Venus was more than happy to be number 2. But Mercury has to prove that she has the power and She will fight to the bitter end in order to maintain it. But when will she see that nobody wants it.

In the end, Mercury got to walk away with all of the power, the portfolio credits and the fame. But She also got the hurt, the burning guilt and the blame. 

Mercury got to keep it all.  

But I'm sure, for her, it was worth it. 

THE END ~


*Based on a true story. 
For privacy purposes, all names have been changed.

...and this is Fate

There are a million emotions flowing through me. I can't see clearly. I can't find the right words to explain this feeling. A mixture of hope, with a hint of anger, and a lot of sadness folded in. This recipe is one that left me with a stomach ache so colossal, it engulfed my soul. 

And there I am drowning. Wondering how this came to be. Wondering why you are here, feeling like you are torturing me. I know that this was not your intention, but what did you expect to see? You come into my world and dangle your light in front of me. So I reach for it... but it was all ruse. 

You were right when you told me you were no good. But again, I did not listen. I though that this time, it would be different. I am no amateur when it comes to heartbreak.  I know the feeling well. And you would think by now that I would be immune to sparkling eyes and genuine smiles. But I fall for it every time. I open my heart, I risk it all. Knowing that in the end, I may be sitting here... at this computer, spilling my guts, and nursing yet another broken heart. 

I do love too easily. And this may be the end of me. But it's worth every tear just to revel in the fantasy that one day you will see me. That you will want me. 

I am no God. I cannot control the hearts of any. And I cannot control our destiny. Don't think I would even if I could. I am enslaved to the feeling of new love. Hoping one day that Fate will bring me my true love. It should be you. When we are together... you bring me to life. But something is holding you back. Your reluctant Saturn crossed paths with my patient Venus. And now we stand here, on earth, knowing that we belong together, but fighting this affection every step of the way. 

If you came to me... really came to me. You would see that I am the one for you. But this perfect love is out of our reach because neither one of us is brave enough to take the leap. 

Fate

Two shall be born... the whole world apart

and speak in different tongues... and have no thoughts

each, of the other's being... and no heed

and these same two

o're unknown seas, to unknown lands, shall cross

escaping wreck, defying death

and all unconsciously

shape each act, and bend each wandering step

to this one end...

         that one day, out of darkness

they must meet

and read Life's meaning in each other's eyes

and these same two

along some narrow way of Life shall walk

so nearly side by side

that should one turn, ever so little space

to left... or right

they needs must stand acknowledge, face to face

and yet...

with wistful eyes, that never meet

and groping hands that never clasp

with lips, calling in vain, to ears that never hear

they seek each other all their weary days

and die unsatisfied

     ...and this is Fate

~Susan Marr Spalding

1333

May I have some of your granny's cornbread...?

Your...
Everything is beautiful. That perfect combination of everything I never knew I wanted.
I feel a rush. My blood is pumping through my body in a way that I...
My heart just burst. The music tonight was the soundtrack to my soul.
I am shy to ask this, but... may I kiss you?


I occasionally glanced your direction.
I find myself wondering what you're thinking.
Leaning on every word. Your tales are like my own.
This was completely unexpected, but... can I hold your hand?


There is something in the air. A freshness. A feeling of being free.
However, there is a responsibility to the universe to do the right thing.
I will think of you when that familiar tune plays. And who knows? All I know...
Is I'm no longer unrequited, so... would you mind if I touched you?


                                                           ... and maybe love you. A little?




you inspire me. i'm putting my faith in fate.
most affectionately yours <3

At a crossroads...

I've lost my inspiration.
I can see the finish line... literally see it.
I've worked so hard to pave the road in front of me and now that the time has come for me to
make that last, final step... ever so small...

I stand... frozen.

It's been a while since I have written. And as I desperately searched for something to bring me back to that place where I can write to you, I've come up with nothing. I have honestly been affected by something. It had made it difficult to focus on anything else. I felt like I was finally on my way to achieving my own personal serenity. A place where i could finally say that I was happy. And I was so unbelievably happy.

But it fell apart, as most things do at some point or another. And I realized that all of the leaps and bounds I thought I had made here fake. I'm still going through the motions, but my passion is gone. It's easy to be on top of the world when your life is perfect. But the truth is only revealed when the tower of your beliefs come crashing down.

We all know this...

But I thought I had grown past all of that. And now, when I look at my foundation, I can see its cracks.  I'm still broken and I'm in total disbelief. I sit here, in this dark, desperate place and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for refusing to open my eyes. I'm sorry that I can't go back to that dinner. I'm sorry I could not fix it. I'm sorry I lost. I'm sorry that I stopped feeling my joy. I'm sorry that I feel so sorry. I'm sorry that I gave up on myself...
again.

It's really easy for me to find excuses for my pain, but when I look in the mirror, I only see a disappointed girl looking back at me. I vowed to change that reflection. I'm so fucking tired of seeing her. I already know everything about her and I'm ready to move forward. I'm ready.

I'm ready.

That finish line is still there. And although I've fallen into that familiar place of self destruction, I still feel like I deserve to be happy. Happy in myself, by myself, for myself.

The finish line is still there...

It's still there...

Where the hell am I?

Expectations...

"My goodness... He surprises me every day by simply acting normal. It's so crazy and sad that I got so use to the bullshit guys put me through, that I'm amazed when a guy says he will call

and actually does." (1:02 a.m.)

I sent that text today.
            Moments ago in fact.
                    And I'm still amazed.

When it comes to the idea of EXPECTATIONS,
I stopped having them a long time ago.
I never really did and the few I did have,
I never stayed true to them.

I lowered my expectations down to the ground

and even began to dig so that they would have space to sink further.

I had low expectations of others because, in all honesty,

I had low expectations for myself.

When I changed my way of thinking,
it was out of desperation.
I did not want to continue in an existence
where the experiences in my life were lost by numbness.
I needed to find a way to feel again.

I still don't have expectations.

I allow each decision I make to be driven by my guts.

I am now feeling my way through life.

I have over thought myself into a mental grave

and was too afraid to do what suits me.

I am driven by my instincts.
My intuition is what makes me special. 
It is the only thing that is my true guide
and I will never silence it again.

                                            I have seen beautiful things,
                                                        traveled to amazing places,
                                                                       met wonderful people,
                                                                                    and began to love my life.

All within the last year, because I allowed myself to feel it, without expectations.

"If I were 16 again and I had never had my heart broken,

without all the baggage and fear, I would have fallen

head over heels in love with this boy in a second.

But I'm not 16 anymore, and I have been hurt,

and this is scary." (1:38 a.m.)

One day at a time.

Truth...

I've been called a liar.
People have called me an actress.
Others have called me manipulative,
I've been looked upon as a person who has a dark side. And I do.

But then again, so do you.

I have been hurt. I have been used and most certainly abused. Things have been stolen which I have never recovered. All of that sorrow living inside of me and all they EVER DO is blame it on me. There is a lifetime of pain and misfortune and regret. No one understands me.

But maybe you do.

Ive seen the light. Yes my body and soul are still here, but a very old way of thinking has finally died. And now there is room for new things. I am not afraid.Nothing can be worst the the prisons that I have put myself in.I know the truth and I have forgiven myself for letting myself down.

That's all oven now. I promise you.

In person, I may be guarded. But here, I will always tell the truth. This is my place to be free to tell all of my secrets. And know that they are being judge and finally not give a fuck. This is a place about love. Celebrating all forms, especially the one I now have for myself. This is who I am. I'm giving you the chance to know me.

Love me or hate me, that is up to you.

I cant sleep...

My mind is consumed with thoughts of you.
I cant clothes my eyes.
This feeling is taking over and I dont think I'll survive.
I'm burning... in my chest.
It hurts because its starving. 
I'm addicted to your fire.
It hurts because I deny it... the one thing that's not a known lair.

I'm afraid to do this.
I'm having doubts.
I'm over thinking how I feel instead of feeling how I feel.
Why is it so hard to just write how I feel. FUCK!
OK... I'm afraid of what will happen.
I'm afraid it will go away.
I'm afraid you will go away.

You have affected me.
More than I realized, more than I wanted.
And I'm so thankful for it.
I feel...
Oddly lucky, but really unsure.

This sucks. Honestly... it sucks.
Not you, you're perfect. Not... in general, as a human, but perfect with me.
You make me feel perfect inside. You make me feel beautiful, loved, understood, supported, crazy, excited, reckless, sane, and completely out of control. I want more. I cant help it. I'm addicted.

I wont tell you about this because I don't have the balls.
But if you happen to stumble upon this, I want to you know that I'm in love with you.
I know exactly when it happened... although it took time for me to realize that it did.
I would love to tell you when, but for now, I will wait for you to ask me.

This alone has been a sweet release.
I'm at ease enough to catch a few precious moments of sleep.

As the sun rises, I can clothes my eyes and know that if fate allows it, you will be mine.


A million deep breaths...