21 day challenge...

We have recently entered the month of November... yeah, It's been November for a few days now, and basically I'm way behind schedule. At this point, I had expected to be further along in the goals I set of myself. Life has gotten in the way of my making any real progress on my weight loss, my writing, my creative endeavors, and basically just keeping my life in order. Looking around my apartment, it's clear that a change needs to be made. So as a result of my procrastination, I have decided to challenge myself for the next 21 days. 

Here are my rules:

1. Follow the 21 day daily burn ignite plan. This involves removing 6 "evil foods" from my diet including Dairy, Sugar, Artificial Sugar, Gluten, Soy, and Alcohol. Ahhhhh!!!! This is crazy. I know it. But sometimes I have to commit to something like this in order to prove to myself that I am more capable than I give myself credit for. So while I am super busy these next 21 days, including traveling to Seattle for 5 days for BurlyCon, I have decided to do this. I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to pass up all the drinks, but I am allowing myself to have pot. So I guess Ill find a way to survive ;)

2. Follow a exercise plan that requires me to work out every day. I love all of the programs Daily Burn has to offer, so I choose a program from them. I had my heart set on doing Inferno, a 21 day P90X type deal, but because of traveling, I wont have access to everything I need. So I decided to do the Tactical Body Weight Training program. All I will need to pack is a yoga mat. This specific program is 28 days long, but I think it will be a good thing to carry my through Thanksgiving. 

3. Home organization. I love a clean house. It helps me stay focused and relaxed. But I am terrible at keeping it that way. For the next 21 days, I am going to work to keep my place spotless. That means, keeping costuming work organized, cleaning dishes, putting clothes away, etc. I just gotta get the place cleaned up first.

4. Say something nice to someone every day. This sounds corny, but I have been feeling negative lately. I think this would be a great way for me to start being more positive and grateful for the people and things I have in my life. While the next 21 days is going to be primarily focused on my inner growth, I know a huge part of that is going to be realizing how lucky I am to have the ability to even take this challenge.

5. Write it all down. I constantly say how I wanna write more. I will record my feelings about the day, my progress, my stresses, my journey. 

Right now, I have to head to the post office. Let Day 1 begin. 

Getting ready...

First.. some exciting news! I am really excited to announce that I am featured in another blog this month. Its called Sisters Under the Feathers, a blog by Noir-a-gogo. Its a blog dedicated to highlighting Today's Black Pin-up and Burlesque performers. Its truly an honor to be recognized by them. Please check them out and read my interview. I answered all the questions as openly as my heart would allow and I even mentioned some lofty goals that I hope to achieve in my BurlyQ career. Click on the link below to check it out! It will be up for the entire month! You can also purchase super cute accessories!

http://www.noir-a-gogo.com/SistersBlog.html 

October is here and it marks the beginning of my favorite time of year. No, not the holiday season, although I do love festivities, but I'm referring to the time of year that I tend to get the most shit done. I don't know exactly why, but this time of year beings upon great changes in productivity. Its almost as if a veil that has been over my eyes all year is finally being lifted. It's time for me to focus. If not, then the next few months are gonna be filled with overwhelming disappointments. I have no intention of going into 2014 with regrets, so I'm gonna use the next 3 months to insure that does not happen.

I decided to take a look at some of my goals in order to draft a plan of action for accomplishing them. And while there are huge factors that are not in my control, I intend dominate the factors that I can control. In taking a deeper look, I realized that a time of review is upon me. I am approaching a time where I will be under high critique and judgement. The only way to come out on top is to figure out exactly what is expected of me.

So what is to be expected? Dedication is first and foremost. If I am to achieve great things, then I am going to have to put in the work. No excuses. It is obvious when a person is resting on their laurels. That's is the exact opposite of how I want to be seen. I want to show myself as a person who is constantly reaching for greater things. Unfortunately, I have the tendency to fall short on this. Like most people, I get caught up in self doubt which causes me to loose hope, and ultimately give up on myself. It's the most horrible form of self-fulfilling prophecy. I can't do this to myself again. I first have to believe that my dreams are possible, and then go after them as though they are already mine.

There are attributes that I possess that I need to minimize as well. I have a fear that I come across as a diva. Its the absolute worst feeling to have when I am constantly surrounded by people who have admire and respect so much. I need to find a better way to channel my insecurities so that I am not misunderstood. Finally finding a world that I fit into and love so much is completely terrifying. I don't want to loose everything I've gained. The only way that people are going to see me for who I really am is to be humble. I confess... I have not always had the nicest things to say about people, and I have found myself feeling entitled to things in my life that are not rightfully mine. It is a constant battle. Self-doubt shows itself in the most unflattering ways, and sometimes it causes people to be a both. I have to constantly look within to make sure that I am being appreciative of my good fortune and always remaining humble.

Ultimately, all anyone wants from me is exactly what I want from my self, to simply be myself. The next few months are gonna be dedicated to discovering how far I can go. I want to see what I am able to accomplish when I don't set limits on myself. If I am committed to this, then when I step into that spotlight and put everything I have on the table, I cant be disappointed if things don't go my way. I'll know that I did my very best, so I wont be disappointed in myself.  But that only happens if I actually commit. Stay tuned to see how it all works out.

I can't sleep...

My mind is full of awful thoughts. 
The kind of thoughts that keep me up at night. 
Night after night I am paralyzed with fear. 
I can't breath. I...

Why do I have these thoughts? 

Why now? 

I've been to some terrible places. 

Both mentally and physically. 

But even in those times, I still managed to sleep at night. 

I craved sleep. Longing for it in all of my waking hours. 

Sleep was my escape. It was my ecstasy. A sweet release...

Why now? 

My life is different now. 
I am safe. 
I am happy. 
Terribly, painfully, happy. 
The kind of happy that I once dreamed about. 
This is my reality. At last... my.. m y     everything.

It attacks me in the night. 

My mind is a manipulative fucking bastard that only attacks when I am most vulnerable. 

In that special place that was once a safe haven. 

I am the master of my own thoughts.

I am the master of my own thoughts.

I am the master of my own thoughts. 

I am the master of my own destiny.

This is what frightens me most.
Something that once brought me so much peace, 
has become the exact thing that keeps me up at night. 

I suppose this is the universe's way of keeping me balanced. 

I think it's really fucked up.

Taking things to the next level...

As per usual, I have not posted in a while. But to be fair, even as a child, I would go months without writing in my diaries, so I should not expect much different now. Although, since I have a tiny audience, and I do mean tiny, I should try to be less sporadic with my post. It's something I'll definitely try to work on. 

Ok... not that I've got my standard apology out of the way, I suppose its time to update you on whats been going on with me. First things first... I am writing this blog on my brand new Macbook Air. Yay!!! As some of you remember, some time ago, my first Mac died. It was terribly tragic and I don't  care to go into much more detail about the matter because I'm not in the mood to get chocked up. :) But I am so very happy that after so much time, and being forced to use a PC, eek, I finally have my fingers on a new Mac Keyboard. **Insert dramatic sigh of relief here**

In other news, my burlesque career is bringing me more joy that I could possibly imagine. I am still a part of the wonderful company providing risqué entertainment, Wasabassco. http://wasabassco.com Being a part of this troupe has pushed me so far out of my comfort zone, that I literally have extreme bouts of anxiety just thinking about sharing the stage with some of the members. But with that comes such growth. I attribute a lot of my current successes with this company and I can't thank them enough for pushing me to go above and beyond. 

Some great opportunities that have some come up recently involves a lot of travel. I am happy to say that I am moving out of the local scene into regional. I have been lucky enough to perform in neighboring states including; Philadelphia, Maryland,  and New Jersey. And I'm very proud that I get to add Massachusetts and Chicago onto that list very soon! I cant believe that I get to perform in Red Hot Annie's Vaudezilla!!!! If you are in the Chicago area, check it out! 

I'll be sure to post more shows on here in the future. But in the meantime, please check out my Facebook Page, https://www.facebook.com/Miss.P.Ivory or website http://www.misspoisonivory.com for my performance schedule! I recently applied for the Hollywood Burlesque festival, so if I am accepted, I will be heading home this December with the chance to finally perform for all of my California friends and Family. With burlesque being such a huge part of my life now, this is something that I cant wait to share with all of the people who mean the most to me. I have been very open about what I do, and I really would love for my loved ones to see me in action, Live!  Please wish me luck.

I am currently reaching out to experience performers from across the states in hopes to fine a mentor. I am so happy that I have to opportunity this week to spend time with the beautiful and talented, Sydni Deveraux, http://www.glitterwonderland.com, as she is in town with Wasabassco. If you have the opportunity to check her out, I highly recommend it. She is an amazingly fantastic Golden Glamazon and you will love her. Trust me. :) 

What else?? Oh yes... new tattoo! I finally met the wonderful artist, Rich Bustamante https://www.facebook.com/rich.bustamante of Leatherneck Tattoos. http://leatherneckstattoo.blogspot.com. Together, he and I have started to create something beautiful on my back. Pictures to come soon!

Oh.. and I finally started putting my press stuff together. Look what I already created for a few of my acts to help me get booked! I have learned from some of the great word travelers of burlesque, that a professional looking CV that showcases your personal style is the best way to go. They were not kidding, because these little babies helped me book my first gig in Chicago! 

OK. Its time for me to bring this post to a close. I have dinner waiting for me. Oh.. and for those of you who are curious. I was vegan for 3 months. I loved it, but it did get a little hard. Currently I am a happy vegetarian. And I don't feel bad about it at all. I started this because I wanted to be a more conscientious eater, which I certainly am now. And I try to make the best choices for what I put into my body, which is all I can ask for. And who knows... I might go vegan again very soon, because I do lot like the tummy cramps I get for eating diary. But I'll keep you posted. 

xoxo

Vegan state of mind...

Something interesting happens whenever I go home to visit. I seem to get a certain kind of clarity that allows me to make massive life changes once I return back to my life in New York. Last year when I came to visit, I decided that I wanted to stop chemically processing my hair. So, for the last year, I have not added any chemical straighteners in my hair and have only blow dried it a handful of times. I know that to most, this is not a big deal. But for me, a person who has been chemically straightening my hair since.. I don't know.. 10 maybe? Its a huge deal. And I am happy to say that my natural hair has never been healthier. 

Another result of my previous trip home was my decision to start burlesque dancing. Although my interest in the art form had grown significantly, I still did not have the confidence to put it all out there and begin performing. Once I did, I never looked back. 

This trip home has been no different. But it was not until now, with only a couple of days left of this trip, that I actually realized it. I originally came home to meet my brand new niece. She is beautiful. I did not try to book any gigs because my intention was simply to reconnect with my family and friends. And after countless annoying arguments, I finally feel that we are all back on track. But something better came of it. I reconnected with myself. Living in NY, everything in my life sped up. That's exactly what I love about the city and it is exactly what I needed when I decided to move there. I honestly can't wait to get back. But, since I am here, in California, I decided to take advantage of the much slower pace. So I caught up on my sleep. I slept a lot. And when I was not sleeping, I watched a crap load of documentaries. With all of my extra sleep, I am thinking much clearer and with all of these documentaries, I have become inspired.

I use to always talk about the woman that I always imagined myself to be. Miss Poison Ivory is that woman come to life. But there is more to me than the sexy performance artist that Miss Poison Ivory allows me be. I always wanted to be a person who is more health conscious. You can find proof of these desires in my previous post. Even when coming back to Cali and meeting up with my bestie. I told her that I want to wake up one day and be the type of person who was super health conscious. I want to wake up one day and be a vegan. I want to wake up one day and be that woman. But.. then I make a choice that would completely destroy the fantasy. I've kinda had enough.

I'm turning 30 in 70 days. I always imagined that I would be in the best shape of my life. Yes. I have a number in my mind that I would love to weigh. But the way I am living now, its not going to be a reality. I am not crazy unhealthy, but I could be doing a lot better. I don't my birthday to show up and for me to be unhappy with myself. I want a makeover from the inside out. I decided, that on this day, I woke up vegan. Yeah... I didn't prepare for this. Unless you count the multiple documentaries I've watched over the last few days on Netflix. I have watched Vegucated, Food Matters, No Impact Man, and A River of Waste: The Hazardous Truth, just to name a few. I know that this has not made me an expert, but it has really affected me into making those changes in my life that I have always wanted.

I woke up this morning feeling empowered. I drank my water, had fresh fruit for lunch, and am trying to convince my girlfriend to buy us a juicer because I'm poor. :) This afternoon, I'm feeling scared, and tempted to take a bite of the Jack in the Box hamburger that my brother's baby mama just brought back to the house. But... I really want to do this. I love the idea of being committed to something that will make me, not only feel better about myself, but is better for me. But the last thing I want to to get all preachy about this and to go around calling myself a vegan for the attention. I hate those people an I know how easy it would be for me to do that. So... besides this blog, and possibly to my girlfriend, I'm not going to talk about it. All of my progress, fears, temptations, victories, have to be expressed thru this blog. 

And since I decided that I wanted to start writing more, I think that this is a win win situation for me. I don't really have a plan. Ugh!!! She just offered me a jalapeno popper!!! Kill me now. lol. Yesterday, I would not had had an issue. But this is going to be an everyday issue until I don't crave it anymore. Its going to be hard. lol. Optimism and taking it a moment at a time is going to be my only hope. So... I'm going to go for it. I feel better already for making the decision. I'm going to end this, go eat an avocado, and get on the train back to LA. Luckily, I am hanging out with my bestie who is already a vegetarian and has suggested that we go to a vegan restaurant for dinner tonight. So I will be able to eat tonight without bringing up my new life choices to anyone. 

I think that this will be key. I hope that this blog is enough to keep me accountable. I eventually want to start making less of an impact on the earth. Creating less waste and such. Shopping at the farmers market to keep my meals locally grown. But one step at a time. My first step is to make it thru this day. Wish me luck. xoxo

yeah...

Ok. It's been a while, and lots of shit has gone down.

I realize that I have not been posting very often. But, surprisingly, it's because I've been so busy.
And lazy too.
I admit.

I have plenty of time off and should be using that to nurture all of my creative endeavors. But I have been focusing all of my creative attention on Burlesque. Don't get me wrong, I am more than thrilled that the outcome of all of my hard word has been so positive. In less than a year, I have performed in numerous shows all over New York and surrounding States. I have placed in competitions, performed in the New York Burlesque Festival, and was nominated for Hottest Freshman at the Golden Pasties. I'm on my way to perform and compete in the Philadelphia Burlesque Festival in just a few weeks. Not to mention that I have become a regular member of 3 Burlesque companies including Wasabassco Burlesque. Poison Ivory has really began to make her presence known in the local burlesque community. I still can't really believe that it's happening.

I know it kinda looks like I'm bragging like an asshole. Sorry. That's not the point of this. I'm just realizing that putting my heart and soul into something has finally paid off. I spent so much of my life self sabotaging because I didn't feel that I was worth anything. Its just crazy how much has changed in the last year. That' all. Anyway... that's also not the point. My point is, now that I am here in California, visiting my family and friends for 2 weeks, I have decided to take that time to refocus on the parts of my life that fulfill me outside of burlesque. One of them being, this little ol' blog.

And this new focus could not have come at a better time because it is clear that I have forgotten how to complete a thought. I have gone on so many tangents, that I can barely remember what thought inspired me to take out my computer and write in the first place. I know it had something to do with... OH RIGHT!! Marriage. I was thinking about young marriage in particular. Like.. that barely legal to drink at your own wedding kinda young marriage. The kind that everybody doubts because you don't have enough life experience. What makes it last?

 I have been engaged 3 times, married once (But it didn't count), and have never been a wife. I remember each time I got engaged, I was so excited about the wedding. I went into dreamland where I began planning the wedding of my dreams and yadda yadda yadda. Point is, marriage never happened. But recently, I have begun to meet a lot of married couples, who are or were very young when they got married, who's marriages seem to be going fantastically.

One couple in particular, she is a performer as well, and her hubby is a supportive sweetie poo. Seriously though... they are great. They are my age, maybe a bit younger, have been together for 7 years, married for 6, and still look like newlyweds. It's amazing. I love the way she says "Yeah... we sure were quick to the alter". I don't know... maybe you have to be there. But it's cute. trust me. :)

Ok, I have a theory. Maybe, if a couple is really young, and they want to get married. A test for how much they really want to be together becomes apparent in the details. Not like.. what flavor the cake is, or the song that they will dance to, but in whether or not that stuff is important in the first place. I think, if a young couple is willing to forgo all of the glitz and glamour of a wedding, and willing to go down to city hall, then it's really meant to be. Not that they have to, but if they are willing to. Hell... I obviously don't know what I'm talking about.

yeah... I'm not even sure if I'm gonna waste time spellchecking this. It's like I'm starting to work out all over again... which I also need to start doing. :)

:P
xoxo

My special thanks....

It is now 2013, a year that many people never thought we would see. And now that we are hear, I'd like to take this time, oddly enough, to look back on 2012. :)

I can't begin to explain how grateful I am to everyone who has made my dreams of Burlesque a reality. During the last year, I have not only begun a career in something that I am truly passionate about, but I have also made so many new friends. Its been a long time since I have been this happy and its important to me to say thank you. Thank you to everyone who has encouraged my dreams, offered me their friendship, took my photo, or came to a show. This list could go on forever, and it just might. :) So let me break it down and give a quick shout out to all of the producers who gave me an opportunity and hired me for their show in 2012.

Thank you:
Jo Weldon (NYSB)
Bombazeen Bean (Jazz and Burlesque at Toro)
Felicity Jones (Young Naturist America)
Justina Walford (Bare Naked Bake Sale)
Joe The Shark (Sharkbite Sideshow)
Camille Atkinson (Juke Joint Review)
Mark Bokvist (Juke Joint Review)
Dottie Dynamo (Bare Nacesstease)
Shelly Watson (Nurse Bettie)
Doc Wasabassco (Wasabassco Burlesque)
Nasty Canasta (Wasabassco Burlesque)
Captain Scorp'yo (Moons over Scorpio)
Bevin Branlandingham (Rebel Cupcake)
Sean Sullivan (Jazz Soul and Burlesque at Circa Tabac)
Marlena Barker (Gnarly Marley Burlesque)
Lev (Rhymes and Riffs)
Angie Pontani (NYBF)
Tigger! (NYBF Star Search)
World Famous Bob (NYBF Star search)
RunAround Sue (Shakin and Stirren)
Scooter Pie (Shakin and Stirred)
Bambi Galore (Marinara Stardust and Bambi Galore Presents...)
Marinara Stardust (Marinara Stardust and Bambi Galore Presents...)
Peter Aguero (BTK Band)
Steve Peluso (Lewd and Lucky Burlesque)
Brooklyn Babydoll (Cha Cha's at Coney Island)
The Lovely Rae (Bowery Burlesque Pageant)
Bastard Keith  (The Sophisticates)
Madame Rosebud (The Sophisticates)
Gin Minsky (NYE gig)

And I also want to thank a couple of people individually.

Dolly Debutant. We were friends right from the start, after meeting in Darlinda Just Darlinda's flirting with burlesque class. And then seeing you that same night at Calamity Chang's show at Nurse Bettie. But I think I really started to get to know you the night we went to Champagne Riot. Once we attended that first Juke Joint Review, we were goners. I knew I had made a life long friend. It was you who I turned to when I felt insecure or needed a shoulder to cry on. You are always there to to make me laugh or lend me a dress. But most of all, You are always there to provide the snacks.

Alex. Where do I even begin. I think, besides self confidence and a new lease on life, the greatest gift burlesque ever gave me was you. "You're so cool". 

Doc & Nasty. You guys push me to wanna be my very best. Thank you so much for taking a chance one me.

Every person on this list has helped make Poison Ivory a reality. Thank you so much! And to the producers, I truly hope to work with you again. For the producers who have booked me for 2013, I am very much looking forward to working with you. Thank you in advance for this opportunity. I want you to know that I hope to always be a positive addition to any show and I will work hard to give you my very best. That is my true desire for this upcoming year. XOXO

                                                          

                                                          
Top Photo: First ever performance at Bowery Poetry Club
Middle Photo: Photographer David Atlas
Bottom Photo: Photographer Chalres Farrah