Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Don't call me a Daddy's Girl...

Last night I found myself sitting at the dinner table in Bogota Colombia. My dear friends and I got into a lengthy conversation about the relationships with our Fathers, Mothers, and significant others. Throughout the night, a number of interesting points and concepts arose, but the one that stuck with me was the idea that girls with tumultuous relationships with their fathers tended to date outside of their race. I don't know if this was factual information, but being that I was sitting at a table with three other women, all with "daddy issues", and none of us have ever dated within our own race was enough to make me a believer.

I think back to all of the movies where a young lady has a good relationship with her father. Lets take the movie "Father of the Bride" with Steve Martin. It is a story in which George Banks (Martin) is up in arms over the extremely quick engagement and wedding plans of his young daughter Annie. The movie depicts the emotional roller coaster of George as he comes to terms with the idea of letting go of his "Baby Girl". It is the ultimate portrayal of a wonderful Father/Daughter relationship. The reason why I mentioned this movie is because there is an actual quote where Annie tells her father that the reason why she fell in love and decided to marry her fiance is because he reminded her of her father. How touching.

I actually really enjoyed the movie. It is one of those corny films where, if I'm flipping through the stations and it's on, I will watch. I guess it's because, being a woman with my own set of "Daddy issues", it's nice to see what life is like on the other side of the spectrum. I honestly want that for my own daughter, when and if I have one, which is why I don't want to marry someone like my father. Don't get me wrong, I love him very much, but I would not want to marry him.

Another topic that we hit on was the idea of not wanting to be our mothers. Not that all of us have issues with our mothers, but those of us at the table who do, we found that it also influenced our dating style. For those of you who have read my previous entry, you know that I have not seen my mother for over 20 years because she chose to leave our family. Obviously, I was left with a few abandonment issues. Not the type in which I am afraid of people leaving me, but the kind that makes me over committal. I have stayed in relationships long past their expiration date because I did not want to be the one who bailed. I did not want to be Her. It is something that I am coming to terms with and am constantly working on. It is a process, like all life transforming realizations are.

But going back to the idea of not dating guys who remind me of my father, it is my way of insuring that I never become my mother. It is really silly to think that I can somehow avoid this by dating outside of my race, but my psychological issues are all kinda silly when I break them down. But it is what it is and it's interesting to think about. So I end this post with a quote from a John Mayer song. His douchebaggery somehow did not affect my liking of this song. I like to think of it as a love letter to parents on behalf of their daughters...

"Fathers be good to your daughters. Daughters will love like you do. Girls become lovers who turn into mothers, so Mothers be good to your daughters too".

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