Sunday, October 30, 2011

Once Upon a Time...

Where do I even begin? 
How do I retell a story that has been told time and time again?

Venus likes Saturn. 
Saturn likes Venus. 
Venus has friend. 
Mercury also likes Saturn. 
Mercury is all powerful. 
Mercury gets Saturn. 
Venus gets sad. 

But there is so much more to it. 

What about the part when Venus though that Saturn was really something special? Different from all the other planets and brighter than all the stars in the sky.  

What happened was... Mercury did not take Venus' feeling seriously.

And what about the part when Venus gets all of her guts in order to confront the situation and ask both Mercury and Saturn if there was something... but both say nothing? 

What happened was... Mercury and Saturn did get together... the very next day.

But what about the part where Mercury feels bad about lying to Venus' face and tells her that her worst fears are true. That there is in fact something between Saturn and she. And that she never meant to hurt Venus?

What happen was... Oh... that's right! That shit NEVER happened. 

Well... maybe it did. But only after Venus found out because Saturn could not handle the guilt. And after Venus calls Mercury in hysterics. Pleading for answers. Only to be met with total denial of any wrong doing. To be later followed by some weak ass text message about "Assumptions" all around.  But there were no assumptions. Venus was always 100% clear. Mercury just honestly didn't give a fuck. And all because Mercury has this warped sense of entitlement and self created competition. 

She had to win. SHE HAD TO!!!

But Mercury was right.
She absolutely did see Saturn first. 

(Yet, you and I both know that this story has little to do with the Saturn)

He was only a pawn in the game that Queen Mercury plays so well. Her thought are so meticulous. Each move extremely calculated. It's no surprise that in the end she leaves all other players broken hearted and wilting by side lines. Because they were all disposable. Who cares if hearts are broken if she has to prove the point that MERCURY IS A WINNER? 

Well... She did win. Congratulations.

I'm sure she finds her peace in that. Because nothing is greater than her own abilities. She is the controller of her own destiny. So of course she had to win. And She always knew she would. She will always be the closest to the Sun. And Venus was more than happy to be number 2. But Mercury has to prove that she has the power and She will fight to the bitter end in order to maintain it. But when will she see that nobody wants it.

In the end, Mercury got to walk away with all of the power, the portfolio credits and the fame. But She also got the hurt, the burning guilt and the blame. 

Mercury got to keep it all.  
But I'm sure, for her, it was worth it. 


*Based on a true story. 
For privacy purposes, all names have been changed.

Monday, October 24, 2011

...and this is Fate

There are a million emotions flowing through me. I can't see clearly. I can't find the right words to explain this feeling. A mixture of hope, with a hint of anger, and a lot of sadness folded in. This recipe is one that left me with a stomach ache so colossal, it engulfed my soul. 

And there I am drowning. Wondering how this came to be. Wondering why you are here, feeling like you are torturing me. I know that this was not your intention, but what did you expect to see? You come into my world and dangle your light in front of me. So I reach for it... but it was all ruse. 

You were right when you told me you were no good. But again, I did not listen. I though that this time, it would be different. I am no amateur when it comes to heartbreak.  I know the feeling well. And you would think by now that I would be immune to sparkling eyes and genuine smiles. But I fall for it every time. I open my heart, I risk it all. Knowing that in the end, I may be sitting here... at this computer, spilling my guts, and nursing yet another broken heart. 

I do love too easily. And this may be the end of me. But it's worth every tear just to revel in the fantasy that one day you will see me. That you will want me. 

I am no God. I cannot control the hearts of any. And I cannot control our destiny. Don't think I would even if I could. I am enslaved to the feeling of new love. Hoping one day that Fate will bring me my true love. It should be you. When we are together... you bring me to life. But something is holding you back. Your reluctant Saturn crossed paths with my patient Venus. And now we stand here, on earth, knowing that we belong together, but fighting this affection every step of the way. 

If you came to me... really came to me. You would see that I am the one for you. But this perfect love is out of our reach because neither one of us is brave enough to take the leap. 


Two shall be born... the whole world apart
and speak in different tongues... and have no thoughts
each, of the other's being... and no heed

and these same two
o're unknown seas, to unknown lands, shall cross
escaping wreck, defying death
and all unconsciously
shape each act, and bend each wandering step
to this one end...
         that one day, out of darkness
they must meet
and read Life's meaning in each other's eyes

and these same two
along some narrow way of Life shall walk
so nearly side by side
that should one turn, ever so little space
to left... or right
they needs must stand acknowledge, face to face

and yet...

with wistful eyes, that never meet
and groping hands that never clasp
with lips, calling in vain, to ears that never hear
they seek each other all their weary days
and die unsatisfied

     ...and this is Fate

~Susan Marr Spalding

Saturday, October 1, 2011

May I have some of your granny's cornbread...?

Everything is beautiful. That perfect combination of everything I never knew I wanted.
I feel a rush. My blood is pumping through my body in a way that I...
My heart just burst. The music tonight was the soundtrack to my soul.
I am shy to ask this, but... may I kiss you?

I occasionally glanced your direction.
I find myself wondering what you're thinking.
Leaning on every word. Your tales are like my own.
This was completely unexpected, but... can I hold your hand?

There is something in the air. A freshness. A feeling of being free.
However, there is a responsibility to the universe to do the right thing.
I will think of you when that familiar tune plays. And who knows? All I know...
Is I'm no longer unrequited, so... would you mind if I touched you?

                                                           ... and maybe love you. A little?

you inspire me. i'm putting my faith in fate.
most affectionately yours <3

Thursday, August 11, 2011

At a crossroads...

I've lost my inspiration.
I can see the finish line... literally see it.
I've worked so hard to pave the road in front of me and now that the time has come for me to
make that last, final step... ever so small...

I stand... frozen.

It's been a while since I have written. And as I desperately searched for something to bring me back to that place where I can write to you, I've come up with nothing. I have honestly been affected by something. It had made it difficult to focus on anything else. I felt like I was finally on my way to achieving my own personal serenity. A place where i could finally say that I was happy. And I was so unbelievably happy.

But it fell apart, as most things do at some point or another. And I realized that all of the leaps and bounds I thought I had made here fake. I'm still going through the motions, but my passion is gone. It's easy to be on top of the world when your life is perfect. But the truth is only revealed when the tower of your beliefs come crashing down.

We all know this...

But I thought I had grown past all of that. And now, when I look at my foundation, I can see its cracks.  I'm still broken and I'm in total disbelief. I sit here, in this dark, desperate place and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for refusing to open my eyes. I'm sorry that I can't go back to that dinner. I'm sorry I could not fix it. I'm sorry I lost. I'm sorry that I stopped feeling my joy. I'm sorry that I feel so sorry. I'm sorry that I gave up on myself...

It's really easy for me to find excuses for my pain, but when I look in the mirror, I only see a disappointed girl looking back at me. I vowed to change that reflection. I'm so fucking tired of seeing her. I already know everything about her and I'm ready to move forward. I'm ready.

I'm ready.

That finish line is still there. And although I've fallen into that familiar place of self destruction, I still feel like I deserve to be happy. Happy in myself, by myself, for myself.

The finish line is still there...

It's still there...

Where the hell am I?

Thursday, June 30, 2011


"My goodness... He surprises me every day by simply acting normal. It's so crazy and sad that I got so use to the bullshit guys put me through, that I'm amazed when a guy says he will call
and actually does." (1:02 a.m.)

I sent that text today.
            Moments ago in fact.
                    And I'm still amazed.

When it comes to the idea of EXPECTATIONS,
I stopped having them a long time ago.
I never really did and the few I did have,
I never stayed true to them.

I lowered my expectations down to the ground
and even began to dig so that they would have space to sink further.
I had low expectations of others because, in all honesty,
I had low expectations for myself.

When I changed my way of thinking,
it was out of desperation.
I did not want to continue in an existence
where the experiences in my life were lost by numbness.
I needed to find a way to feel again.

I still don't have expectations.
I allow each decision I make to be driven by my guts.
I am now feeling my way through life.
I have over thought myself into a mental grave
and was too afraid to do what suits me.

I am driven by my instincts.
My intuition is what makes me special. 
It is the only thing that is my true guide
and I will never silence it again.

                                            I have seen beautiful things,
                                                        traveled to amazing places,
                                                                       met wonderful people,
                                                                                    and began to love my life.

All within the last year, because I allowed myself to feel it, without expectations.

"If I were 16 again and I had never had my heart broken,
without all the baggage and fear, I would have fallen
head over heels in love with this boy in a second.
But I'm not 16 anymore, and I have been hurt,
and this is scary." (1:38 a.m.)

One day at a time.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


I've been called a liar.
People have called me an actress.
Others have called me manipulative,
I've been looked upon as a person who has a dark side. And I do.

But then again, so do you.

I have been hurt. I have been used and most certainly abused. Things have been stolen which I have never recovered. All of that sorrow living inside of me and all they EVER DO is blame it on me. There is a lifetime of pain and misfortune and regret. No one understands me.

But maybe you do.

Ive seen the light. Yes my body and soul are still here, but a very old way of thinking has finally died. And now there is room for new things. I am not afraid.Nothing can be worst the the prisons that I have put myself in.I know the truth and I have forgiven myself for letting myself down.

That's all oven now. I promise you.

In person, I may be guarded. But here, I will always tell the truth. This is my place to be free to tell all of my secrets. And know that they are being judge and finally not give a fuck. This is a place about love. Celebrating all forms, especially the one I now have for myself. This is who I am. I'm giving you the chance to know me.

Love me or hate me, that is up to you.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I cant sleep...

My mind is consumed with thoughts of you.
I cant clothes my eyes.
This feeling is taking over and I dont think I'll survive.
I'm burning... in my chest.
It hurts because its starving. 
I'm addicted to your fire.
It hurts because I deny it... the one thing that's not a known lair.

I'm afraid to do this.
I'm having doubts.
I'm over thinking how I feel instead of feeling how I feel.
Why is it so hard to just write how I feel. FUCK!
OK... I'm afraid of what will happen.
I'm afraid it will go away.
I'm afraid you will go away.

You have affected me.
More than I realized, more than I wanted.
And I'm so thankful for it.
I feel...
Oddly lucky, but really unsure.

This sucks. Honestly... it sucks.
Not you, you're perfect. Not... in general, as a human, but perfect with me.
You make me feel perfect inside. You make me feel beautiful, loved, understood, supported, crazy, excited, reckless, sane, and completely out of control. I want more. I cant help it. I'm addicted.

I wont tell you about this because I don't have the balls.
But if you happen to stumble upon this, I want to you know that I'm in love with you.
I know exactly when it happened... although it took time for me to realize that it did.
I would love to tell you when, but for now, I will wait for you to ask me.

This alone has been a sweet release.
I'm at ease enough to catch a few precious moments of sleep.

As the sun rises, I can clothes my eyes and know that if fate allows it, you will be mine.

A million deep breaths...

Monday, May 30, 2011

What Oprah knows...

A dear friend of mine shared this link with me. Its Oprah's farewell speech and it really spoke to me. It spoke to all of us. I am not a die hard Oprah fan. But I have a great appreciation and respect for her. So although I may have only seen a small percentage of the show, I really wanted to watch the final episodes just to witness the great impact that she has had on so many lives. I was not able to watch the episode air live because I was working, but even days later, watching it online, her words made an impact on me.

Live from the heart of yourself.
You have to make a living, I understand that.
But you also have to know what sparks the light in you
so that you, in your own way, can illuminate the world.- Oprah

These words in particular made me really want to focus on what sparks the light in me. And the thing that meant so much to me is the realization that I have already found it. I found it in helping people in my own way. I found it in decorating peoples homes. I found it in giving tarot readings. I found it in cooking for people. I have found it in this blog.

I realize that my platform is small. But each and every time I get the satisfying sense that I have helped someone, it recharges my soul. It creates a burning desire to do more. Without a doubt, it is my passion. All I want in my life is to reach people. I want them to feel that I have somehow helped to improve the quality in their lives. It may sound selfish, but its the best kind of selfishness. I have been the recipient of help for a long time from a lot of good people. So trust me when I say that service is a win win situation.

Every time I get a new hit on my blog, it means something. I currently have 120 views. Which is kind of like the opposite of going viral. But each one of those views makes me so happy. Whether 120 people have taken their time to read the things I write or 1 person is reading my writing 120 times, I want to thank you for your support. I never went to school to be a writer. Up until recently, I never even had the confidence to put the things I have written out there. I am not pretending to be the best, but that does not mean that I don't have a voice. So thank you for listening and giving me strength to be louder. I wont let you down.

I could not find suitable copy of the video to add to the blog,
but below is the link to Oprah's website and takes you directly to her farewell address.

Part of my journey to self satisfaction is helping others to find their way. I have so many people in my life who truly are special but didn't get the encouragement that they needed to thrive. I will do my very best to become that person, who no matter what, always encourages others to reach for more. I want everyone to become the version of themselves that they always dreamed to be. Everything is possible for those who believe.

I want to dedicate this post to my older, wiser, unconditionally loyal brother.
 You are brilliant, passionate, and deserving of the better things.
Now its finally time to live the life you have always wanted.
I will love and support you always.
Happy 30th Birthday.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Birthdays in Brooklyn...

Yesterday was my 28th birthday... fallen on Friday the 13th... 
and my very first celebrated in New York.

I woke up in the morning having no expectations for the day. Since my original plans were no longer an option, and it was obviously way too late to make any new plans, I decided to simply go with the flow. I went to grab my usual morning coffee from my local bagel shop, and to my surprise, they remembered my birthday and treated me to a large iced coffee and a chocolate cupcake on the house. Thanks to the wonderful guys working at Bagel World,  my day was already starting off on a good note. Little did I know that that sweet sweet birthday feeling would  only go down from there. Not that it was a bad day, it was actually a pretty nice overall. But that trip to the coffee shop was the last time that I would feel like I was celebrating that blessed day my mother pushed me into this world.

This being my first birthday away from my family and close friends, I expected it to be very low key. I have made some great friends in NY, but none that would make a big deal about it. And I didn't really care if there was no fuss made over me, but I have to admit, I was surprised at how little people seemed to care. There was absolutely 0% special attention. Most of friends treated it like it was just another day. And that's because, for them, it was.  For the first time in my life, I am independent. I have no one in my life who is going to make a fuss over me. I have friends, yes. Great friends, but right now I am in the time of my life where I will be forced to find happiness and worth only from within. And it finally hit me... this was going to be my year... the year I find internal satisfaction.

No one is going to take the responsibility for my happiness, and in truth, no one ever has. But for some reason, I was always looking for someone to. And that's why I have been so empty for so long. But I have been on this journey to self acceptance for a long time, and I have finally reached moment where my goals will be reached. The woman that I always wanted to be is standing right in front of me and all I have to do is step into my rightful place.

Place. Place.... It's a concept that I have been thinking about for a while. I am the perpetual 2nd place girl. I have lived there my entire life. Any time there was opportunity for me to shine, I would withdraw into my 2nd place position. I was comfortable there. I was to afraid of being number one because I didn't want to stir the pot. I did not want people to be mad at me. But mostly, I did not have the guts. So I self sabotaged to the point where, when I looked back at my life, I had nothing to show for it. I had all of these great starts... but I would let them fizzle away just as I got to the finish line.

It was sad. But now I have come to peace with that. I have forgiven the girl that I use to be and started focusing on who I want to be. And now... I'm ready. I am so ready to stop taking 2nd place in my own life. This shits not going to be easy, but for the first time in my life, I am up for the challenge. I am no longer afraid. This is my time to make my dreams a reality and I have to do it alone. This is the only thing that will build my confidence and self worth. I have to fight for it and not quit. This is my time to be a 10. I have settled for a 7, (8 on a good day), and now I am ready for more. I demand it from myself and I am excited about it.

Yesterday was the universe telling me that it's my time. And last night, while I had dinner alone, I realized that I was happy. I was happy celebrating my birthday with the one person who is always going to put me first. Me. And now its the day after. I did my laundry, I ate breakfast, and now I'm about to go work out because life goes on and I have shit to do. But I did stop at the Farmer's Market to buy myself some fresh flowers. Because it was my birthday and I deserve them <3 

Thursday, May 5, 2011

First Kiss...

Just because it's so cute <3

To my dear friend...

First of all, I wanted to say thank you. You have always been there for me and I'd trust you with my life. The reason behind this letter is, well.. because I finally know the answer to the question that you have asked me over and over again. And the answer is, because it suits me. Ive been thinking about all the things that we have talked about as of late, and everything you have said to me has really sank into my soul. Your words affect me, and that's because I respect you.

It is completely obvious that you and I are 2 completely different people. I'm sure that there has even been a few who have asked why we are friends to begin with. But something tells me that if we sat them down and explained it a thorough as we could, there would still be some that don't understand. But honestly, I don't care. I know why we are friends. It's because, even though we may have a hard time communicating via words, our guts get it.

There is something about being your friend that makes me feel like a better person. I guess it's because I look up to you in a way and it makes me strive to actually become that better version of myself. Not many people in my life have that affect on me. I only hope that I have that affect on you sometimes. What makes me cherish this friendship so much is the fact that, while we are so different, we both have each others very best well being in mind. But being different also means that we sometimes look at things differently. And that's a wonderful thing.

You know me. You know that I am a person who is constantly looking for her next greatest love. And in that search, I have often times been hurt. I know that as my friend, you hate to see me when I'm down. You have asked me multiple times why I invest so much into finding love when I already have so many people in my life who love me. I have my friends. You tell me that no one makes me light up the way a boy can, and as my friend, you cant understand why I don't lean on you more. I should know that with my friends, I never have to worry about having my heart broken. You ask me why don't I chose you... my friend.

I need you to know that I already have. I realize that I have some of the best friends that a person can hope for. I know how lucky I am and I thank the universe daily for bringing you into my life. Friends like you are not easy to come by. And for some people, that's enough. But you know me, I want more. I already have my best friends, and you will be one of them for the rest of my life. You are my sister. But at the end of the day, I want a family. Not the kind we have, but a family of my own.

I want to get married. I want to have babies. This is something that I am sure of and have been for a very long time. For others, they are career driven, but I am a family girl down to the core of me. It suits me. This does not mean that I don't care about my career. I absolutely do. But for me, it's about a balance. That is what I need to be truly happy and I see nothing wrong with being honest about it. So yes. I will keep my heart open until I find the person who will go down this journey with me. And I hope that I have your support. Because when I look into the future of my life, you are there. And that makes me smile.

You said that no one can make me light up the way a boy can, but that's not true. I'm sure there will come a day when my future husband is saying the same thing about my friends. You guys have brightened my world. You are a light. What I think you are seeing is my hope that soon my world might be complete. And when you see that fade, its hard. It's hard to see anyone you care about be let down. But it's part of the journey. You have to be open for love. I know its a risk, but the reward it worth it. My friends are top knotch so I'm not settling for a 2nd rate romance.

When It comes to love, I am the eternal optimist,
and I honestly would not want it any other way.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Don't call me a Daddy's Girl...

Last night I found myself sitting at the dinner table in Bogota Colombia. My dear friends and I got into a lengthy conversation about the relationships with our Fathers, Mothers, and significant others. Throughout the night, a number of interesting points and concepts arose, but the one that stuck with me was the idea that girls with tumultuous relationships with their fathers tended to date outside of their race. I don't know if this was factual information, but being that I was sitting at a table with three other women, all with "daddy issues", and none of us have ever dated within our own race was enough to make me a believer.

I think back to all of the movies where a young lady has a good relationship with her father. Lets take the movie "Father of the Bride" with Steve Martin. It is a story in which George Banks (Martin) is up in arms over the extremely quick engagement and wedding plans of his young daughter Annie. The movie depicts the emotional roller coaster of George as he comes to terms with the idea of letting go of his "Baby Girl". It is the ultimate portrayal of a wonderful Father/Daughter relationship. The reason why I mentioned this movie is because there is an actual quote where Annie tells her father that the reason why she fell in love and decided to marry her fiance is because he reminded her of her father. How touching.

I actually really enjoyed the movie. It is one of those corny films where, if I'm flipping through the stations and it's on, I will watch. I guess it's because, being a woman with my own set of "Daddy issues", it's nice to see what life is like on the other side of the spectrum. I honestly want that for my own daughter, when and if I have one, which is why I don't want to marry someone like my father. Don't get me wrong, I love him very much, but I would not want to marry him.

Another topic that we hit on was the idea of not wanting to be our mothers. Not that all of us have issues with our mothers, but those of us at the table who do, we found that it also influenced our dating style. For those of you who have read my previous entry, you know that I have not seen my mother for over 20 years because she chose to leave our family. Obviously, I was left with a few abandonment issues. Not the type in which I am afraid of people leaving me, but the kind that makes me over committal. I have stayed in relationships long past their expiration date because I did not want to be the one who bailed. I did not want to be Her. It is something that I am coming to terms with and am constantly working on. It is a process, like all life transforming realizations are.

But going back to the idea of not dating guys who remind me of my father, it is my way of insuring that I never become my mother. It is really silly to think that I can somehow avoid this by dating outside of my race, but my psychological issues are all kinda silly when I break them down. But it is what it is and it's interesting to think about. So I end this post with a quote from a John Mayer song. His douchebaggery somehow did not affect my liking of this song. I like to think of it as a love letter to parents on behalf of their daughters...

"Fathers be good to your daughters. Daughters will love like you do. Girls become lovers who turn into mothers, so Mothers be good to your daughters too".

Sunday, April 10, 2011

If you are out there...

I want this blog to be a place of honesty. And while sometimes it's scary to be so unguarded, I know that anyone who reads it will get a glimpse into my soul. Today I want to share something about me. It may seem extremely personal, but I feel it is directly responsible in shaping my decisions about being open with matters of the heart.

When I was 6 years old, my mother chose to abandon her family. I have no idea why she decided to leave, but from the age of 7 on, I have made no real attempts to contact her. But as I get older, my feelings about her have changed. I no longer carry a resentment towards her, and I want nothing more than to find her and tell her that I forgive her. Not only for her sake, but for mine.

So I wrote her a letter. I don't know where she is, so I cant mail it. I don't even know if she is still alive. But I believe in my heart that she is and want to put it out into the universe so that maybe, someday, it will find its way to her.

So here it is, my love letter to my mother.

Dear De'borah,
Hi. It’s been a long time since we have spoken and even longer since we have seen each other. I have so much to tell you but I honestly have no idea where to begin. I guess first and foremost, I want to tell you that I’m sorry. You reached out to me some time ago, but because of anger and resentment that I felt towards you, I decided to punish you by not responding. Little did I know at the time that I was really hurting myself.
I use to be so angry with you. I blamed you for every bad thing that ever happened to me. I always thought that if you were there to protect me, then I would have never known all of that pain. But now that I am older, I realize that you had your own pain, and maybe leaving was your way of protecting me. Maybe you thought that if you stayed, that you would do more harm than good.
I look for you. Whenever I am home, I look. But it has been 20 years since I have seen your face. I honestly can’t remember what you look like. I wonder if I look like you. I know that you make up half of me, but I often find myself wondering what half. The few memories I have of you are fading as time goes by, but there is one that is forever burned into my mind.
 I was very little, maybe 4 or 5 years old. I sitting on the living room floor and coloring with you. I can’t remember your face, but I have a clear image of your hands. You were tracing the outline of the picture with a crayon and then coloring it in… so lightly. It looked so beautiful to me, like a work of art. I remember wishing that I could color like you, but I could barely stay in the lines. That is my favorite memory of you because at that moment, you were my mom and I looked up to you. I will never forget that. Now every time I color, I outline the picture, color it in lightly, and think of you. Also, I think I have your hands.
I may never understand what you have been through, but I would love the chance. I want you to know who I am… the woman I have grown to be. I think that if you met me now, you would be proud. I am living my life fully and although you were not there, you have always been on my mind and in my heart. I want to thank you for creating me. I credit you for helping to make me who I am today. I know that while it was hard for me not having you in my life, it must have been a million times harder for you. I just want you to know that I am ok. I want you to see that I am happy. And most of all, I want you to know that after all this time, I have never stopped loving you.

For many years, the idea of being a mother terrified me. I was so afraid that I was going to fail. But now I cant wait to have children of my own. I know the value of telling someone that you love them. Although my mother was not there to tell me so, I know that she loves me. I am just excited to have the chance to tell my future children that I love them. And I will do so every chance I get.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

We'll see how things go...

Dating as an adult sucks. It really does. As we got older, all the innocence was lost. I long for the simpler times when a honest relationship started by a note that read;

Do you like me? 
Yes / No 
Circle one

Now days, communication has become so complicated. Because of past hurts, people become afraid to be honest. They are so terrified of rejection that it becomes impossible to be vulnerable.

Here is a common tale that I'm sure most of you have experienced. Or if not,  maybe you have a "friend" who has.

You meet someone.
There is an attraction.
You plan a date.

The date is amazing.
You laugh, you flirt.
There is a connection.

You plan a second date.
You talk, you touch.
There is excitement.

And then at some point, whether it be that night or several dates later, you decide to take the relationship to another level.
The level of complication.

The sun comes up.
You wake, you reach.
They look different.

You sense a change. But...
You smile, you chat.
Yep... They are acting different.

You suggest more plans
They have to go...
Everything is definitely different.

Next comes the bullshit excuses about how they have "soooo much" on their plate this week. How in between work, family coming into town, and laundry, there is simply no time to get together. They say something along the lines of, "We'll see how things go" or "I'll keep you posted". Then... after several days of unreturned phone calls, ignored text, and invisible status on
g-chat, you decide to move on.

In most cases, this is the end of the line. But on that rare occasion, sometimes months later, you receive a letter. This usually comes in the form of an email, an incredibly long link of text messages, but never... ever a call. This is where they tell you that they are sorry for being MIA. How you are "Great", but at the time, they were unsure of what they are looking for. That you in fact "scared them" because you were obviously looking for something more.

I hate these messages for two reasons. The first is that they are full of assumptions. Instead of having an actual conversation, they assume that they know everything about you. They automatically know what you are looking for, and then make the cowardly choice to just disappear. I am also guilty of it.

The second reason is, some people fall for it. They actually believe that the person is maturing and wants another chance. And sometimes they do. But unfortunately, often more than not, this usually just means that there has been a lull in their sex life and they are hoping that you are still on the hook enough to become their "Back-up Bitch". I am guilty of this as well.

The entire idea of dating makes me kinda ill. But it is a necessary evil in the quest of finding the one. I honestly feel that when you do meet that person, there will be no games. It will be honest and simple. It will be raw and scary. It will be beautiful and rewarding. It will be real.

But until then, looking back on your dating past, wouldn't it be nice to tell someone who blew you off exactly how you feel? Isn't there that one, self-centered douche bag, who you were not that into anyway, that you would love to tell how wrong they were about you? I personally have an entire list. So to end this blog, I would like to submit an actual letter that I wrote in response to an email I received from one particular gentlemen who, at the time, was suffering for a case of doucheness.

Dear X,
Long time. Im happy to know that you are in fact, alive. I must say... 
I was worried. 

I read your email and I understand when you said that you got scared. You wrote that after we slept together, you got the feeling that I was interested in something more than a casual thing with you. So it was easier for you to just vanish. 

I just wanted to tell you that you were wrong. Sex had nothing to do with it. To be perfectly honest, sex became tainted for me a long time ago. Its this wonderful, yet animalistic act that has become void of emotion for me. I don't see it as a sad thing. I am much more interested in the connection that leads up to and happens after sex. That is what I long for the most and the saddest part is to watch it slip away.

But you and I never had that. With us, fucking was just fucking. You may not be aware, but I too am really busy with work, and family, and occasional laundry. It is unfortunate that we could not keep a good thing going. But like I said before, I understand that you got scared. 

No worries. Its totally fine. 
All the best-

After sleeping on it, I decided not to send it. I felt that simply writing the letter was all the closure I needed. Because, in truth, I was not that into him. But I did send a response. The message only stated... 

No worries. It's totally fine. All the best- Me. 

The original letter has been sitting in my draft box ever since. Deep down, I could tell that he was a pretty good guy and I really do wish him all the best. I am no longer in contact with this person. But wouldn't life be amazing if, by fate, he happens to come across the blog and read it anyway? I have no idea if it would ever happen. But if it did, something tells me that he would know that it was about him. 

Monday, March 21, 2011

Missed Connections...

Have you ever taken a glance at a Craigslist "Missed Connections" Ad? They can be quite entertaining. First of all, you have to be 18 and older to even view the post, so that means that it is full of juicy tidbits not suitable for a younger audience. I happen to be looking through them today, for research obviously...

Anyway, lets just say that I came across a few post that I felt dignified the title of "Love Letter" rather than Booty call.

I am a firm believer in the concept of love at first sight. And although some may feel otherwise, I know that there are times when you just know. But sometimes, your head gets in the way and you decide, for whatever reason, to allow that moment to pass. Sometimes that lost connection turns into a moment of regret. And if you feel desperate enough to try and find that person using a Craigslist wanted ad, then you too are a believer. Good luck on your quest.

Here are a few of my favorites...

Missing you while still here
 i am missing you already and i see you daily. 
How am i going to get through this without you. 
i can not imagine one day without you here with me. 
I am scared.

 I know, I know. 
But, as you said, "I'm feelin' it."
 Now, what to do with my day off...

Shanghai Mermaid
 Was nervous and hesitated as you left -
 I should have asked for your number. 
I could have least shown you a good time while you are visiting!
I don't know how, but I hope to see you...

Its not very often…
 ". . .that something special happens."
Sweet dreams to you tonight and always. 
I miss you

 introduced us.
Curiosity sustained verbose visits,
me to him, him to me.
 Candor prevailed -- thrived and

fiercely protected by virtual curtains of
mutually incorrigible fervent words.
 Sudden surges of unequivocally soft
admiration teetered on an ether tightrope
of timid admissions, propelled by
unharnessed inclinations . . .

Chaste choreography,
never rehearsed, yet somehow superb --
unleashed daily performances of
overwhelming synchronicity.
 Two strangers mysteriously destined to
slow dance under a full moon --
never touching yet connected,
cheek to cheek, heart to heart, soul to soul.

Until one day.
 Now it seems like only
borrowed time during a year or so of sweet dreams,
once upon a time.

Every once in a while, fate steps in and gives the person exactly who they are looking for. Here are a few that actually got replies...

Original post
Happy Birthday Matt! I hope you enjoy being the dirrrty thirty
 (which you can be with me anyday. Even though you're not Asian).
 All the best.

Question... Does your name start with a C? If so you called the right number but didn't leave a number for you to call back and I never heard from you again. If it is you, then please call my number again. It was my brother's voice you heard on the answering machine. You keep calling me Matt, but that isn't my real name. I told you what it was. I don't care if you call me Matt anymore, at least for now. I would just like to get the chance to see you again and hopefully we can correct the name and get my name stuck in your head. It was the right number, though.

Original post
into life
On waves of electrical sound
And flashing lights
She came.
 Into my life with the twist of a dial.
A wave of her hand
The warmth of her smile -
 And even though I know that you
And I
Could never find the kind of love
We wanted
I find myself missing you
And I
And I

It's not very often that something special happens...


and i you.

special things don't happen often -
 but on a day like today, everything is special. 
better make it happen while you can.

And here are a few, that I found to be... just sweet. :)

Colorful tights
Nikes and colorful tights. 
I was in black jeans and a red hat. 
I got off at the Morgan stop.
I smiled at you. You are a gorgeous person.
Just want you to know I had admired your beauty.
Sincerely, (He actually signed his name.)

Food Emporium
You were shopping tonight with your earbuds in. 
And we checked out at the same time. God, 
I wanted to throw you over my shoulder and take you home. 
What were you listening to?

Starbucks on Lexington Ave, 53rd Street around 2:30 pm.
 I was sitting at at bench facing the window. 
You passed by and we met eyes. 
You came in and sat at the table behind me. 
As you were leaving you smiled at me.

Yes. I should have chased after you, 
and regretted not doing so.

You were blond and very attractive.

If luck has it that you find this, 

let me know. 
We can get coffee again, 
this time together!

Love letters come in all forms.
Never forget to seek them out. 

love always,
me xoxoxo

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Love letter by Napolean Bonaparte

Since I don't get very many myself these days, I am consumed with reading love letters from others. I find such inspiration from people who are willing to immortalize their love in the form of a letter. Today, I came across this beautiful piece by Napolean Bonaparte, written December 1795. 

I wake filled with thoughts of you. Your portrait and the intoxicating evening which we spent yesterday have left my senses in turmoil. Sweet, incomparable Josephine, what a strange effect you have on my heart! Are you angry? Do I see you looking sad? Are you worried?... My soul aches with sorrow, and there can be no rest for you lover; but is there still more in store for me when, yielding to the profound feelings which overwhelm me, I draw from your lips, from your heart a love which consumes me with fire? Ah! it was last night that I fully realized how false an image of you your portrait gives!

You are leaving at noon; I shall see you in three hours.

Until then, mio dolce amor, a thousand kisses; but give me none in return, for they set my blood on fire.

Now, tell me that was not super sexy. I patiently await the day that I check my mailbox to receive a gift like that. Lovely. 

I think we should talk...

I have recently been spending a lot of time talking with my friends about the art of communication. Specifically, the differences between how a man and woman communicate with each other. There is no denying that guys and girls have their own language. There are even books written to help one sex understand the other. But in reality, who the hell reads those books? Well... I do, but I'm pretty positive that I have not dated a single guy who has read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

So is it possible for 2 people of the opposite sex to communicate effectively? I think it is, but it seems to be a rare occurrence this day and age. Or maybe its just me, because God knows that I tend to talk too much. Read for yourself in this edition of...

An actual text message conversation between a girl and a boy.

Boy- It was good to see you...
Girl- Yeah, it was good to see you too. 
Boy- What's your work schedule like this week?
Girl- I work tomorrow and Friday.
No response from Boy.

2 hours later...

Girl- That was the fastest 3 miles I have ever run. I guess I had a lot of pent up energy ;)
Boy- Ha!
Girl- Hope work is going well.
Boy- Going for sure
Girl- I have to leave for work around the same time you will be getting off. I will surely be thinking about you when I wake up. Today has given me a lot to think about. 
Boy- Such as?
Girl- Not really sure yet. Right now its just a jumbled mess of thoughts. But I will git back to you once I figure it out. 
Boy- Okay...
Girl- No worries though.  For the most part, its good thoughts. 
No response from Boy.

2 days later...

Girl- I told you the other day that spending time with you gave me a lot to think about. I have really been looking inside myself to find the answers that I have been seeking. And I have come to the conclusion that I am a lover. Plain and simple. I have a lot of love to give and I am not interested in the games associated with expressing it. Games are for children, and I have not been a child for a long time. 

I want happiness, and honestly, I feel very close to getting it. And I can assure you that it will come without games. It will be simple and honest. There will be no misunderstandings. You helped me see that I was going about it all wrong. I thought that keeping it simple meant having something with no strings attached. But its about being honest, no matter how hard it is to do. 

I am looking for something more than sex. I realize that it may take me a while to find it. But that does not mean that I will close myself off. I am a lover, and not expressing that would be a sin. 

No response from Boy. Go figure.