Thursday, August 11, 2011

At a crossroads...

I've lost my inspiration.
I can see the finish line... literally see it.
I've worked so hard to pave the road in front of me and now that the time has come for me to
make that last, final step... ever so small...

I stand... frozen.

It's been a while since I have written. And as I desperately searched for something to bring me back to that place where I can write to you, I've come up with nothing. I have honestly been affected by something. It had made it difficult to focus on anything else. I felt like I was finally on my way to achieving my own personal serenity. A place where i could finally say that I was happy. And I was so unbelievably happy.

But it fell apart, as most things do at some point or another. And I realized that all of the leaps and bounds I thought I had made here fake. I'm still going through the motions, but my passion is gone. It's easy to be on top of the world when your life is perfect. But the truth is only revealed when the tower of your beliefs come crashing down.

We all know this...

But I thought I had grown past all of that. And now, when I look at my foundation, I can see its cracks.  I'm still broken and I'm in total disbelief. I sit here, in this dark, desperate place and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for refusing to open my eyes. I'm sorry that I can't go back to that dinner. I'm sorry I could not fix it. I'm sorry I lost. I'm sorry that I stopped feeling my joy. I'm sorry that I feel so sorry. I'm sorry that I gave up on myself...

It's really easy for me to find excuses for my pain, but when I look in the mirror, I only see a disappointed girl looking back at me. I vowed to change that reflection. I'm so fucking tired of seeing her. I already know everything about her and I'm ready to move forward. I'm ready.

I'm ready.

That finish line is still there. And although I've fallen into that familiar place of self destruction, I still feel like I deserve to be happy. Happy in myself, by myself, for myself.

The finish line is still there...

It's still there...

Where the hell am I?

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