Thursday, June 30, 2011


"My goodness... He surprises me every day by simply acting normal. It's so crazy and sad that I got so use to the bullshit guys put me through, that I'm amazed when a guy says he will call
and actually does." (1:02 a.m.)

I sent that text today.
            Moments ago in fact.
                    And I'm still amazed.

When it comes to the idea of EXPECTATIONS,
I stopped having them a long time ago.
I never really did and the few I did have,
I never stayed true to them.

I lowered my expectations down to the ground
and even began to dig so that they would have space to sink further.
I had low expectations of others because, in all honesty,
I had low expectations for myself.

When I changed my way of thinking,
it was out of desperation.
I did not want to continue in an existence
where the experiences in my life were lost by numbness.
I needed to find a way to feel again.

I still don't have expectations.
I allow each decision I make to be driven by my guts.
I am now feeling my way through life.
I have over thought myself into a mental grave
and was too afraid to do what suits me.

I am driven by my instincts.
My intuition is what makes me special. 
It is the only thing that is my true guide
and I will never silence it again.

                                            I have seen beautiful things,
                                                        traveled to amazing places,
                                                                       met wonderful people,
                                                                                    and began to love my life.

All within the last year, because I allowed myself to feel it, without expectations.

"If I were 16 again and I had never had my heart broken,
without all the baggage and fear, I would have fallen
head over heels in love with this boy in a second.
But I'm not 16 anymore, and I have been hurt,
and this is scary." (1:38 a.m.)

One day at a time.

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