Thursday, June 30, 2011


"My goodness... He surprises me every day by simply acting normal. It's so crazy and sad that I got so use to the bullshit guys put me through, that I'm amazed when a guy says he will call
and actually does." (1:02 a.m.)

I sent that text today.
            Moments ago in fact.
                    And I'm still amazed.

When it comes to the idea of EXPECTATIONS,
I stopped having them a long time ago.
I never really did and the few I did have,
I never stayed true to them.

I lowered my expectations down to the ground
and even began to dig so that they would have space to sink further.
I had low expectations of others because, in all honesty,
I had low expectations for myself.

When I changed my way of thinking,
it was out of desperation.
I did not want to continue in an existence
where the experiences in my life were lost by numbness.
I needed to find a way to feel again.

I still don't have expectations.
I allow each decision I make to be driven by my guts.
I am now feeling my way through life.
I have over thought myself into a mental grave
and was too afraid to do what suits me.

I am driven by my instincts.
My intuition is what makes me special. 
It is the only thing that is my true guide
and I will never silence it again.

                                            I have seen beautiful things,
                                                        traveled to amazing places,
                                                                       met wonderful people,
                                                                                    and began to love my life.

All within the last year, because I allowed myself to feel it, without expectations.

"If I were 16 again and I had never had my heart broken,
without all the baggage and fear, I would have fallen
head over heels in love with this boy in a second.
But I'm not 16 anymore, and I have been hurt,
and this is scary." (1:38 a.m.)

One day at a time.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


I've been called a liar.
People have called me an actress.
Others have called me manipulative,
I've been looked upon as a person who has a dark side. And I do.

But then again, so do you.

I have been hurt. I have been used and most certainly abused. Things have been stolen which I have never recovered. All of that sorrow living inside of me and all they EVER DO is blame it on me. There is a lifetime of pain and misfortune and regret. No one understands me.

But maybe you do.

Ive seen the light. Yes my body and soul are still here, but a very old way of thinking has finally died. And now there is room for new things. I am not afraid.Nothing can be worst the the prisons that I have put myself in.I know the truth and I have forgiven myself for letting myself down.

That's all oven now. I promise you.

In person, I may be guarded. But here, I will always tell the truth. This is my place to be free to tell all of my secrets. And know that they are being judge and finally not give a fuck. This is a place about love. Celebrating all forms, especially the one I now have for myself. This is who I am. I'm giving you the chance to know me.

Love me or hate me, that is up to you.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I cant sleep...

My mind is consumed with thoughts of you.
I cant clothes my eyes.
This feeling is taking over and I dont think I'll survive.
I'm burning... in my chest.
It hurts because its starving. 
I'm addicted to your fire.
It hurts because I deny it... the one thing that's not a known lair.

I'm afraid to do this.
I'm having doubts.
I'm over thinking how I feel instead of feeling how I feel.
Why is it so hard to just write how I feel. FUCK!
OK... I'm afraid of what will happen.
I'm afraid it will go away.
I'm afraid you will go away.

You have affected me.
More than I realized, more than I wanted.
And I'm so thankful for it.
I feel...
Oddly lucky, but really unsure.

This sucks. Honestly... it sucks.
Not you, you're perfect. Not... in general, as a human, but perfect with me.
You make me feel perfect inside. You make me feel beautiful, loved, understood, supported, crazy, excited, reckless, sane, and completely out of control. I want more. I cant help it. I'm addicted.

I wont tell you about this because I don't have the balls.
But if you happen to stumble upon this, I want to you know that I'm in love with you.
I know exactly when it happened... although it took time for me to realize that it did.
I would love to tell you when, but for now, I will wait for you to ask me.

This alone has been a sweet release.
I'm at ease enough to catch a few precious moments of sleep.

As the sun rises, I can clothes my eyes and know that if fate allows it, you will be mine.

A million deep breaths...