Saturday, May 14, 2011

Birthdays in Brooklyn...

Yesterday was my 28th birthday... fallen on Friday the 13th... 
and my very first celebrated in New York.

I woke up in the morning having no expectations for the day. Since my original plans were no longer an option, and it was obviously way too late to make any new plans, I decided to simply go with the flow. I went to grab my usual morning coffee from my local bagel shop, and to my surprise, they remembered my birthday and treated me to a large iced coffee and a chocolate cupcake on the house. Thanks to the wonderful guys working at Bagel World,  my day was already starting off on a good note. Little did I know that that sweet sweet birthday feeling would  only go down from there. Not that it was a bad day, it was actually a pretty nice overall. But that trip to the coffee shop was the last time that I would feel like I was celebrating that blessed day my mother pushed me into this world.

This being my first birthday away from my family and close friends, I expected it to be very low key. I have made some great friends in NY, but none that would make a big deal about it. And I didn't really care if there was no fuss made over me, but I have to admit, I was surprised at how little people seemed to care. There was absolutely 0% special attention. Most of friends treated it like it was just another day. And that's because, for them, it was.  For the first time in my life, I am independent. I have no one in my life who is going to make a fuss over me. I have friends, yes. Great friends, but right now I am in the time of my life where I will be forced to find happiness and worth only from within. And it finally hit me... this was going to be my year... the year I find internal satisfaction.

No one is going to take the responsibility for my happiness, and in truth, no one ever has. But for some reason, I was always looking for someone to. And that's why I have been so empty for so long. But I have been on this journey to self acceptance for a long time, and I have finally reached moment where my goals will be reached. The woman that I always wanted to be is standing right in front of me and all I have to do is step into my rightful place.

Place. Place.... It's a concept that I have been thinking about for a while. I am the perpetual 2nd place girl. I have lived there my entire life. Any time there was opportunity for me to shine, I would withdraw into my 2nd place position. I was comfortable there. I was to afraid of being number one because I didn't want to stir the pot. I did not want people to be mad at me. But mostly, I did not have the guts. So I self sabotaged to the point where, when I looked back at my life, I had nothing to show for it. I had all of these great starts... but I would let them fizzle away just as I got to the finish line.

It was sad. But now I have come to peace with that. I have forgiven the girl that I use to be and started focusing on who I want to be. And now... I'm ready. I am so ready to stop taking 2nd place in my own life. This shits not going to be easy, but for the first time in my life, I am up for the challenge. I am no longer afraid. This is my time to make my dreams a reality and I have to do it alone. This is the only thing that will build my confidence and self worth. I have to fight for it and not quit. This is my time to be a 10. I have settled for a 7, (8 on a good day), and now I am ready for more. I demand it from myself and I am excited about it.

Yesterday was the universe telling me that it's my time. And last night, while I had dinner alone, I realized that I was happy. I was happy celebrating my birthday with the one person who is always going to put me first. Me. And now its the day after. I did my laundry, I ate breakfast, and now I'm about to go work out because life goes on and I have shit to do. But I did stop at the Farmer's Market to buy myself some fresh flowers. Because it was my birthday and I deserve them <3 


  1. Awesome! Love the bit at the end. I think buying flowers for yourself is amazing. <3

    But one thing is bugging me. Dinner alone on your birthday? Really? I'm not against it, because I go out by myself all the time, but NO ONE did anything for you? I'm shocked. However, I know that the independence feels amazing and I completely understand the empowerment you received from it.

  2. My friends came together to celebrate my birthday yesterday. It was wonderful and everything I always wanted. My friends are great, and I would not change them for anything in the world. My actual birthday happened to fall on a day where everyone was busy. And I think that it was a sign that I needed to embrace my own independence. And I am happy that I got to learn that lesson.