Monday, May 18, 2015

17 days until BHOF...

I have been writing for the last hour and lost everything. I am fighting the urge to cry over this, especially since the theme of this post was to be on self care. I am using all the tools in my possession not to get frustrated with this whole project and just give up. Feeling like a failure every time I log in. But giving up is not an option. It's true that this has not gone the way I wanted, but at the point where I am feeling my most vulnerable, I have to push through. Yes, I am exhausted and if I don't take a step back, I may fall apart. Now, more than before, Its clear that it's time to shift my focus. The rest of this journey needs to be about protecting myself.

My goals will not be achieved over night. I need to stop waking up every morning hoping to see a different person in the mirror. I want my body to react to all of these changes. And while I'm sure that it is, it's so hard to stay motivated when I am not seeing results. I am trying to refocus my attention to how healthy I am feeling verses how heavy I am feeling.

My body is broken. It has taken a beating and I am trying to heal. I am attempting to add more recovery based workouts into my program. Stretching my muscles, rolling out knots, working my range of motion and focusing on my overall mobility are the only things that will help me to get my body back.
 Self Care
It is totally acceptable to ask for help. Being disappointed that my request for help are being ignored is not useful. While my feeling are hurt, the truth of the matter is that no one else cares about my goals. Not to say that I don't have supporters, I absolutely do, but everyone has their own life. While important to me, its never going to be as important to anyone else. 

I am doing enough. Just because I am not doing everything I planned, it does not mean that I'm not working hard enough. I know that the my goals are hard to reach, I just have to keep reminding myself that I actually deserve the things I am working so hard for. Giving up now will only prove that I am still that B+ person, too scared to reach for the A. But I also have to remember that, at the end of the day, whatever will be, will be. 

 In 3 days I will be getting on a plane to St. Louis for the Show Me Burlesque and Vaudeville festival. I am hoping that I will leave there feeling inspired. I hope I make friends. I hope I have fun. It's going to be a lot of work for me to fight my hermit tendencies and socialize. It's so draining and I barely have anything to offer right now. Hopefully I will be in a better place by the time I land in St. Louis.

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