Tuesday, May 12, 2015

23 days until BHOF...

**Warning... this post is being written under high stress, so I have not idea how it will translate. I don't know if by writing this, I will be left feeling better or worse. I don't know if reading this will bum you out or if it will even make sense. I don't know, but here goes.

WHAT THE FLYING FUCK? Where have the last few days gone? To say that BHOF is rapidly approaching is an understatement. I am having a very hard time keeping up, feeling like I am not getting everything done that I wanted to accomplished by the time I got to Vegas. My upcoming birthday and trip to St Louis are not helping.

Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that my birthday is tomorrow. I also love the fact that I will be going to St. Louis for the first time, especially to perform. But these wonderful events are just markers on how little time is left. There are no words for the amount of stress that I have been feeling over the last 3 days.

I wish I could say that I have been resting, trying to get my head in the game, but between meetings, costuming, shows, travel... there is just no time to get it all done. What I am attempting here is a conscious decision to let it go. I need to be a little easier on myself. I know this. But it's so hard to break the patterns of beating myself up for not achieving the impossible goals that I have set for myself.

I want to feel like a winner more than I actually desire to win. Is that a thing? Does it even makes sense? I don't know. But I often tell myself that when looking at the finish line of any project, I would feel worse about not giving it my all than for not winning. That to me, the winning is in doing everything I can to prepare so that I am my very best. But, in all honesty, this type of thinking only sets me up to be disappointed in myself because there is no way to measure "everything I can."

I have high expectations of myself. When I think about all of my potential, I get frustrated in myself for not living up to it. It creates this cycle of constant disappointment in myself. I don't know why I have decided that I am not doing enough. I cannot remember the last day that I spent not working, in some capacity. I have work meetings to deal with, emails, research, the list just goes on an on. I try to make list and find some joy in checking things off, but at the end of the day, I keep adding things to the list. Sometimes adding more things than I was able to accomplish for the day and it leaves me feeling more overwhelmed that if I had never started a list in the first place.

What am I suppose to do? I still have to make list. I still have all of these fucking things that I need to do. I'm currently feeling guilty for taking time out of my busy day to write this fucking post. I could be putting rhinestones on my dress right now! The only thing giving peace of mind about this is that I had the unreasonalble goal of posting daily. Then I think... well.. I have failed on that too, because I have clearly missed 3 days. OK... I didn't have the time. There really is only 24 hours in a day.

But then what about my birthday? I have so much that I want to do for the TWO shows that I am in tomorrow night. I would love to spend the day pampering myself, but I don't have time because I have to practice.

Everything cost money. I have no money. Everything takes time, I have no time. All I want is peace of mind and I am completely loosing mine. I have to work out, I have to work on my split, I have to rhinestone this corset, I have to deal with these medical bills, I have to finish putting my laundry away, I have to research a performer for 21st century burlesque. I have to send out my information to every fucking person who is expecting something from me. I need to book a flight, I need to figure out what the fuck I am wearing to this wedding on Saturday, I need to steam these fans, I need to order groceries. I have to fix this zipper, I have to finish these shoes, I have to solidify these 4 "8 counts', I need to create a mailing list. I need to send out invitations, I need to hire a band, I need to make a video, I need to pick an act for Friday, I need to contact a new client. I need cry, I need to eat, I need to give myself a break, I need to tell myself that it's going to be OK.

Today, 23 days until BHOF, is a very hard day.

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